Whatever it takes

until it's not about the weight

I weighed myself yesterday. I’ve lost 3 pounds this month. Three. Frickin.’ Pounds.

Again!

I ignored Girl Scout cookies throughout my office. I turned down all unplanned snacks. I went to yoga twice a week and sweat buckets. I deserve a parade! I should get a medal. Instead I lost three little pounds.

I’m a little upset, but I don’t think I’m unbalanced about it. This is the longest I’ve ever gone with the scale numbers moving only down. In terms of volume, I’ve taken twelve sticks of butter off my body. I’m stronger than I was a month ago. I’ve made progress emotionally and spiritually. I’m making real changes and I’m committed to this program of recovery.

But I’m impatient. I want the fat gone now. I want to be in the next smaller bras, not in-between sizes like I am now. I want the size I currently wear to hang sloppily off my frame so I can get rid of it all for good. I want to buy new summer tops, but only because everything I own is too big, not because I’ve got food stains on the chest of everything I wore last year. I want my outside to reflect my emerging inside.

I want, want, want! What I don’t want is to work for results. I don’t want to learn the lessons I obviously still need to learn. My portions are still enormous and my refined carbs heavily outweigh my veggies. When I decide to work on this, I react with the opposite choices.

So I am unbalanced and probably always will be on this subject. I should probably talk about this with my sponsor and at meeting tonight.

Sigh.

Malted barley = maltose = sugar

Damn!

Well no wonder I can't eat just one bowl Grape-Nuts cereal. I thought it was because I used to binge on it with tons of sugar and so was triggered even without the sugar added. Turns out malted barley is a form of maltose, which is a form of sugar.

I'm pretty sure barley malt (or maybe just malt?) was an ingredient pretty high up in the list. I'll have to check next time I'm at the supermarket. I'll check before I break the news to my sponsor. It was one of only two cold cereals she said didn't have sugar. The other is shredded wheat.

Lifeline commitment

I just subscribed to Lifeline magazine for 3 years. I've been reading a lot of OA lit lately and seem to get more and more out of it. When I saw that they offer 1, 2, or 3 year subscriptions, my first reaction was that 3 years is a long time. But I'm in this for life right? And if I should relapse (knock wood) I'll get monthly reminders.

Plus, I've been going to meetings for over a year now and it just doesn't seem possible. Someone brought in a bunch of old copies a to a meeting a while ago. That was pretty cool. So if I ever overcome my pack-rat tendencies I can give my copies away.

I read a really cool pamphlet on Anonymity last night. I'm running into this topic a lot lately. I can see that I've broken anonymity traditions, especially in the early days. But also to some friends. I've heard, "When in doubt, leave it out." I'll try to be much better about it. Tradition three feels really important to me. I'm trying to remember some specifics of what struck me last night but I can't. Guess I'll have to read it again.

Post-progress void

After all the hoopla in my head last week about turning over behaviors and asking for help I wanted to run away. I didn't want to go any further. It's not that I wanted to undo the progress or regress. I just didn't want to face any more growth. In my experience, growth equals pain.

First I deliberately chose not to finish the memoir I was reading. There was only one lunch worth of pages left to finish, but I didn't want to.

Then at yoga on Friday evening I was resistant to choosing openness or letting go as the focus of my practice. I chose it anyway and tied the emotion to my chest. This isn't something that was imposed on me, it came from inside. But in the beginning of the practice, when I was directed to find the spot that needed the most attention, it was this emotional issue that jumped out at me. Always in past sessions I chose a physical spot: my right knee, the headache that appeared out of nowhere in front of my right temple, my neck. But Friday I reluctantly went with letting go.

It was a typical practice in that it was hard, sweaty and full of surprises. Letting go of expectations is one of the emotional components of my practice. Poses I've never had trouble with become impossible, troublesome poses become surprisingly effortless. Learning to accept what my body can do at this moment is hard work. I get caught up in, "but I did it perfectly last week," and held back by, "oh, that's too hard, I can never do that."

I suppose it was predictable that I would break down in tears at some point in the session. I can't recall the exact feelings but it was tied into all the events of the week and was strong. After shavasina I cried again. I started being flippant, but Sarah stopped me and just made me feel it.

That's what it comes down to, feeling my feelings is uncomfortable. I want to run away into the food or some other compulsion. I want to zone out into a book that doesn't make me think. I want to lose myself in a movie. I feel restless and lethargic in the same moment.

I did watch a lot of television this weekend, but at the same time I made a dent in the debris in my living room. I cleared away craft supplies that have sat there since October. I put away the card table. I made a good start at sorting out the accumulated mail into shred and recycle piles. I even replaced the light bulbs in the kitchen ceiling fixture. They burned out weeks ago, but rather than replace them, I just turned on the dining room lights to see what I needed. How sick is that?

I have a working ceiling light in the kitchen again, but I've gotten used to turning on the dining room light as I head in. I feel happy when I switch on the kitchen lights. It's so bright and cheerful again. I can see the crap I still need to pick up better, but a little progress is better than none.

Sometimes no advice is the best advice

Meg over at I put my hand in yours posted some great thoughts about how we react when people share their troubles.

"You can think. You can feel. You can solve your problems. You can take care of yourself.

Those words have often benefited me more than the most profound and elaborate advice. How easy it is to fall into the trap of doubting ourselves and others."

When someone has a problem, or even just a feeling, my reaction is usually to respond with a story of my own that shows I can relate to the problem and then spout many ideas about how to fix it. I want to help, but I seem to just focus the conversation on myself. "Oh, I totally relate because...blah...blah...blah." I need to learn how to just listen, learn to support without trying to fix it.

Even commenting on people's blogs I tend to offer unsolicited advice. I've become more aware of this, but haven't really done anything to change it. What makes me think I can manage some one else's life when I've done such a poor job on my own? Silly monkeys.

Good morning sun

I got out of bed 22 minutes after I intended to. I was 10 minutes later than I planned dropping off something at another office. This is fantastic! Yesterday I was 90 minutes late. Woo Hoo! Now I just have to do it again tomorrow, and the day after that...infinity. Gack!

Okay, one day at a time. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

I was informed of a change in plan at work this morning. Not a major thing, it happens all the time. I just don't usually deal with change very well. (Not exactly a surprise from a compulsive overeater.) I did start to react, then I recognized the crazy and shut up for once. It really isn't a big deal, in fact there may even be some more creative work on the new project. I was looking forward to stability for a few months, but it was mostly the change that I wanted to freak about. But I didn't. Not today.

I finally asked for my sponsor's email address. Not sure why it took me so long. I've been emailing with lots of people from meetings, but I never asked for her address. I still plan to call her at least once a week, but it will be easier to check in with her now.

Thanks to all who prayed for me. I don't care why it works anymore, I'm just happy that it does.

Pray for me (seriously, no I'm not joking)

While so many things have improved in my life, there are still problem areas. I still live in a pig sty. In Passing for Thin, Kuffel writes about her bat cave. This was her safe place to practice her addiction. She changed dramatically before she was able to tackle the accumulation of stuff packed into her cave. My home is definitely an addict's home. Sure, the sugar is gone, but there is still a ring of stuff circling my leather recliner. The chair is pointed at the television and is surrounded by layers of paperwork, junk mail, craft projects, salt and pepper shakers and a collection of fast food paper napkins. I don't even want to get into the state of the kitchen right now.

I'm starting to notice these signs of my addiction and years of habit. It is starting to bother me. I don't feel quite up to tackling it yet, but I feel it coming.

I intended to write about something else entirely, but since reading about the bat cave at lunch the above has been percolating. What set out to tell when I opened TypePad tonight is that I decided I have to ask for help getting out of bed for work in the mornings. I procrastinated myself into being 90 minutes later for work than I intended to be. I finally realized as I finally got out of bed this morning that just like my compulsive eating, I can't do it alone.

Asking for help of any kind is hard. I hate to admit I don't know how to do something. This is where instructions come in very handy. I read all the little booklets that come with appliances and gadgets. I read assembly instructions completely before I start building something. What I realized is that I need spiritual help. I hear that if you are having difficulty being willing to do something, pray for the willingness to be willing. So that I what I'm doing.

I also asked some friends to pray for me. I don't believe I've ever done that before. Maybe in high school, when I was really involved with a born again group, but even then I was more into the social part and found much of the talk a bit too sappy. But this morning I earnestly asked my HP to help me be willing to be willing to get out of bed in time to get to work at 9am. Also for the ability to do so. Then I emailed a couple of my work friends who know how much I've been struggling with this issue. It's not the kind of thing I'm even comfortable saying out loud yet.

Just like all the gratitude talk I heard when I first came to the rooms, it seemed corny and sentimental until I found myself flooded with gratitude for the people in the meetings and OA itself. I think I may have made a tiny step forward in my spirituality today. Can't wait to talk to my sponsor tonight before meeting. Hope she's home. I feel excited and a bit bashful on this subject.

So, readers, if it isn't too much to ask and if you already talk with your HP, please add me to your prayers. Thanks. I appreciate it in a grateful and entirely irony-free way.

Anonymity revisited

I've decided to remove my photo from WIT. I was reading a Lifeline from last year and the topic was Anonymity. It talks about not allowing photos of member's faces in public media. I guess I have trouble thinking of blogs as public media. Anyone can read it, but I assume that only fellow OAs would bother.

I'll try to figure out another image that works, but for now I'll use the same one I use over on my general blog. It's me on Halloween two years ago. I have green contacts in to match the makeup.

I'm reading OA literature all over the place. It practically sings to me now. I've had that old Lifeline since I started going to meetings. I've tried to read it before but found it dull and unhelpful. It must be magic paper that transforms content randomly. It must be that, I certainly haven't changed. [wink]

The Big Book - friend or foe

When I first started attending meetings a year ago I started reading everything OA I could get my hands on. Everything spoke to me except the AA Big Book. I think the first time I sat down with it I was following some advice from someone at a meeting. I had shared that I was unsure about finding a HP because I was agnostic. He told me to read "We Agnostics" in the Big Book. In fact he loaned me his copy.

So I went home and read it. I found the writing arogant, narrow-minded and unhelpful. The message I read was, "don't worry if you don't believe in a Christian God, if you do the twelve steps right, you will." Ick. Luckily I had already found a lot of the program I loved and could overlook this point of view. Even a couple years earlier this would have been reason enough for me to flee.

On Wednesday night I finished reading the OA handbook I bought to help me figure out what I need to do to get a meeting started. I wanted to do a bit of OA reading and the first thing I found was the Big Book. I figured it would put me to sleep as usual. This time I randomly picked a story from the back part. It was wonderful!

I couldn't stop. I read about four stories before I forced myself to put it down and go to sleep. When did it get so engrossing? How did it go from pompus to touching. I'm guessing it isn't the book that changed, but me. Not only do I relate more fully, I automatically switch the alcohol to food in my head. I truely know that the substance does not matter, the compulstion is the same. I'm also not distracted by the 12 step speak. I guess I've become fluent in OA.

Anyway, I plan to read all the stories in the big book. Then I'll give the first part of the book a second chance. Then I'm thinking I should start reading all the other OA books again. The first time through I was desperate and approaching the program in an intellectual way. Now I want to read with my current perspective. I'm abstinent, have a solid grasp on what my HP is and I'm not as defensive about my addiction as I was.

Apparently I'm now ready to use reading as a tool. I love OA and the sanity I find in it.

Passing for Thin again

I started re-reading Passing for Thin: Losing Half My Weight and Finding My Self by Frances Kuffel again today at lunch. This is the book that made me seriously look at Overeaters Anonymous as an option. I won't re-tell how I started in OA, but you can read this November post.

I had loaned my copy to a friend to read and when she returned it I left it in my car. This morning I forgot to grab a new book to start at lunchtime. So I decided to re-read Passing for Thin instead of buying a new book. I'm glad I'm reading it again. I'm even more engaged in it than the first time. First of all, I was completely into food for the first reading and I'm abstinent now. Second, I've been attending OA meetings for a year now. It's like a long, articulate speaker meeting. I recognize the OA recovery of the writer even though I haven't gotten to the part of the memoir where she starts OA.

This isn't an official OA book, but it is by an OA member. Although she broke her anonymity to write it, I didn't think of that until just now. I wonder how that's working for her.

Anyway, I recommend this book. I like that so much of her story deals with learning to live in her body after she lost her weight. I'm sure I'll find things I didn't notice before.