Whatever it takes

The telephone is our lifeline

I'm just starting to use the telephone as a program tool. I seem to be settling in to my OA program with more trust and confidence. It feels so much like my yoga practice. Now that I've built some strength and some muscle memory of certain poses I feel like I can settle in and explore the poses more. Like down-ward facing dog.

When I had my first practice and Sarah told me down-ward facing dog was a resting pose I thought she was crazy. Now I understand it. I can get into it pretty easily and I've figured out how to breath into my upper chest now (I could never get a good breath in the pose at first). So I'm comfortable there and can feel my way deeper by pushing my heals closer to the floor and my hips back.

I feel like my OA program is similar. I know the basics, my abstinence is stable right now, I look forward to my two meetings a week and I'm starting to call my sponsor more often. I'm comfortable. I'm working step four to start cleaning up my past. I trust the program. Suddenly a tool that was awkward and scary, feels natural and right. When something is bothering me my first thought is to call my sponsor or another OA. And then I act on that impulse.

I had a very upsetting call from the head of HR today. Everything is going to be fine, but for about twenty minutes I was scared I might get fired because of a paperwork issue. When the call ended I was no longer afraid, but still horribly upset. I grabbed my cell phone and called all the numbers I had for my sponsor. She didn't answer so I left messages and called my therapist. She and I talked for a while. I felt better. I hung up and called a friend (Note to self, add more OA people to my programed numbers) I felt even better.

Then my sponsor called me back. We talked. She said this is part of my amends. I said it was scary. She said it was okay. Sometimes it is scary, but that it is just a feeling. That when this is over I will be right with the world and be better than when I began.

Now I feel fine, mentally exhausted, but fine. I'm grateful I have people I'm willing to call for help. I'm glad I have a yoga class to attend tonight. I can let go of any stress I'm still holding and head into my weekend with no work baggage.

The big Four-O

I finally got into the "health room" at work in the morning before lunch. It was always occupied last week. I've lost 40 pounds since joining OA a year ago. Yeah me!

Of course my drunken monkeys are chitter-chatting at me that I've only lost three pounds since mid-January. Only. Three. Pounds. So okay, I'm not breaking any records for weight loss speed. But I'm not trying to break any records. I'm trying to change the way I act and react to food.

Do I wish I were losing 10+ pounds a month? Hell yes. Do I think about pushing myself to do more physical activity? Do I think about really "dieting"? Yep and yep. But then I go to a meeting and soak in some sanity. I am a nut-job about food and my weight. I always will be. I need to trust my sponsor when she says not to mess with my food plan right now. I need to stop thinking about the numbers until the same time next month.

I need to be grateful that I've lost fourty pounds. I need to just keep on, keepin' on.*

*Keep on, Keepin' on is one of the signature phrases of a fellow OA who makes me happy to be around.

Choices and consequences

I took my nephew to see Curious George this weekend. He got his usual: root-beer, popcorn, and sour patch kids. I got a bottle of water. I had planned to have popcorn, but we had just eaten lunch and I found I didn't really want it.

I think this is the first time I have happily not had popcorn at a movie theater. I've dieted before and skipped it, but it always seemed a bit like punishment. Knowing that I could eat popcorn if I wanted, and then choosing not to eat it felt good.

I also bought new jeans last week a size smaller than I've been wearing. Yeah!

Happy

I'm doing really well. Still very busy at work, but getting it done. I'm taking Friday off to babysit my nephews so I've got five days of work to do in four.

Feeling pretty good physically, trying to eat more veggies. Still having trouble getting out of bed in the morning.

I plan to call my sponsor tonight and ask her what I should work on next for my fourth step. I keep coming up with new stuff for my resentments list but I think it is time to move forward.

Meeting was good last night. Many regulars that I always look forward to seeing were there. I was conscious during the meeting of being happy to be there among these people. I feel content and grateful today.

Sweet-free

Yesterday I went on my annual trip to a chocolate festival. For nine or ten years I've taken this three-hour drive with my best friend from Jr. High. I did not break my abstinence.

I knew I could handle lunch at our favorite restaurant and skip the truffles we always bought for the ride home. The actual festival itself has long ceased to be the attraction. It's really kind of cheesy and small. It has gotten bigger and lost most of its charm over the years.

I was worried and said I couldn't go in. Then I figured I could, then I realized that the danger was not that I would go berserk and stick my head into the chocolate fondue fountain. The real danger would occur after the after the trip.

As a secret eater, I'll often make good choices in social situations and the later, either that night or the next day I'd binge in private. This was my worry. I discussed it at a meeting and with my therapist. She thought I could handle it. She was right but while I was willing to go into the festival I didn't have too.

I had planned ahead and brought a snack in my purse. But the line was quite long and my friend decided it wasn't worth the wait. She got some chocolate at a coffee shop and was satisfied and I wasn't tested too harshly.

It felt so good to make the right choices for myself. I was able to really focus on the conversation and enjoy the day. It's good to know that I don't have to give up a day that has become important to me. I felt free. I feel grateful.

Great expectations

Not having expectations about yoga is harder than I thought it would be. I over analyze just about everything, so why should yoga be different?

I am struggling with a specific ab exercise more now than when I first started. Sarah, my yogi, thinks it is a mental not physical issue. That I'm unwilling to let go of control for some reason to really get into it. It's so hard for me to hold my breath out and keep my legs and shoulders lifted. I feel like my lungs are going to explode and I might die if I don't give in and breath. I'm I surprised to hear I have a mental block? Nope. Frustrated with myself? You bet.

Then there is the expectation of strength. If I have no problem doing something one time, I expect to have no trouble the next time. Not the case. Everyday is different and some days for no obvious reason I struggle with something that I've never struggled with before.

For the last few weeks I've been less sore during the 48 hour post-practice period. I am stronger today than I was a month ago. I work hard, but don't have as much ache. So I start to believe that I've reached a point where I'll have fewer post-practice aches all the time. Nope. My quadriceps are so sore! It doesn't help that I sit at my desk all day and only get up to pee.

I know this ache is a good thing, and that I am gradually building strength throughout my structure. It isn't the ache of injury, but of muscles worked hard. I just didn't expect it. It is usually pretty easy for me to stay in the moment and just focus on the movement in practice. It's the rest of the time that I have problems.

That said, I love my yoga practice.

Anger with a side of resentment

Today I feel disproportionate frustration with a coworker. It was horribly stressful last week, but I handled it pretty well. But Friday I got quite angry at her. To my mind she was over reacting to the multiple last-minute changes/discoveries and could not grasp some technical concepts that I explained to her in email and on the phone. The most frustrating part is that she has been doing this same type of project for at least five years and should know the basics by now.

I had to check with someone with more experience than me to confirm that the answers I gave her were correct. They were. He also expressed his frustration in dealing with this person, and that he now ignored her requests because she is incapable of understanding.

I think it was hearing this negativity that pushed me over the edge into raging frustration. It is so easy to join in with negativity. So I raged and vented in IM. I dropped many F-bombs. I complained back to this negative man when I had to go back for a second issue.

Then, as I took some deep calming breaths and tried to get back into a more constructive place I realized that I am still mad at her for something she did a few years ago. I never confronted her about it, but I’m still furious at her and can’t understand why she did what she did. How did I work with her since September and never connect my frustration at her technical ignorance with how mad I am?

I’m working my fourth step very slowly and haven’t written anything for a few weeks, but I left off with my resentment list. Believe you me, this is going onto the list.

I’m starting to connect with some deeper currents in my mind. In yoga, the surface chatter is mostly gone during practice, but I’ve got some blocks in a couple areas. My yogi says she thinks it’s a control issue when I can’t hold my breath out of my body during a specific ab strengthening exercise. Apparently I’ve proved that my muscles can do it in other poses, but that my mind is preventing me from doing it in elbow to knee. I also freeze up and start cramping and panicking when she wants to put me in down-ward dog on the wall.

It doesn’t surprise me to learn I have deeper subconscious thoughts influencing my actions. It daunts me a bit, how much crap do I have to work through to feel recovery? But it is exciting that I’m starting to make connections where I couldn’t see a problem before.

Have I mentioned lately how much I love OA? It’s so hard, but it is rewarding in so many unexpected ways.