Whatever it takes

Is surrendering the same as giving up?

Surrendering to HP feels like giving up. Could I be on the right track with that? If I surrender everything that I don't have power over that doesn't leave very much left for me to deal with. It could get awful quiet in my head. I could get uncomfortable might fast in the vacuum.

It feels like the line between total surrender to HP and surrender to a short miserable life in Muumuus and slip-on shoes is too thin for me to navigate. It is too precarious on my own. Do'h! Of course, that is where my sponsor and other members come in. How long will I batter my head against the same concepts before I can grasp this concept for longer than a meeting, conversation or writing session?

Updated links

I've really neglected this blog and reading other OA blogs for a couple years now. I continue to struggle with relapse. I make little efforts and convince myself I'm back on track, but really I'm just doing enough to keep life bearable. My intentions mean nothing when my actions don't back it up. My food "isn't that bad." That's what I tell myself when I don't want to take an honest look. I'm missing meetings here and there. I know I have to go to both my meetings every week. That's one of the basics for me.

Doing a bit of housekeeping here on CB. I removed some inactive OA blogs from my sidebar, but didn't want to lose them entirely. There is some good stuff there even if it is old. I'd love to see fresh content from these people, but I understand how blogs can be abandoned without intent.

Foodfairy's Journey to Freedom
Last updated November 2008

It's Not About the Food!!!
Last updated January 2009

reignfyre recovery
Last updated May 2008

Recovery Girl
Last updated May 2006

Added a few people too. Sometimes I hesitate to add someone to the sidebar list because I don't agree with everything they say about OA. Mostly this tends to be specifics about people's Higher Power. But really, I guess it is like meetings, these are the opinions of individual OAs and do not represent OA as a whole. Also, keep what you like and leave the rest.

New to the roster:

• oastepper
• Overactive Fork

And while I'm at it I should acknowledge Down in Sunny San Diego. She is the most consistent OA blogger I know. So many recovery blogs disappear. It's great to find Down in Sunny is still blogging each time I come back to reading OA blogs. I'll have to use her blog list to find more people to read.

Pen to paper

I'm struggling. I need to do the writing my sponsor told me I should do last week. I haven't yet. I know I should surender and just do the next thing, but I don't. I'm on step three. I need to just do the work and get on with it.

I've written a lot of posts that never make it online. I kind of poop out before finishing or decide that what I've written is more a rant than anything useful so I delete it.

My Wednesday night meeting finally moved to a new church in a neighboring town. It's got heat and everything! No more getting there early to turn the oven on to take the edge off. The lighting is good too. It's awesome that others have taken responibility for getting things done. I don't think anyone thinks of it as my meeting anymore and that is a very good thing. It has a life of it's own now. I love that.

It is so hard to make the connection between the actions (or inaction) I take and my connection to god. It's better now that I can think of my higher power as the god of my experience. No matter what debates I cling to over theology, my experience of praying and turning things over is enough basis for faith that it works.

I'm glad I have a meeting to go to tonight.

I've been hacked! Damn it!

My hotmail account was hacked. Don't send money. I am not in Wales.

I've got control back but everything is compromised. My contacts list was deleted, so I'm not even sure who got the false plea for help. I've had that account since at least 2002.

Crap.

My I see you god list

I'm on step two. I'm continuing to practice powerlessness from step one by calling my sponsor daily. Now I'm reading a bit in the AA 12 & 12 on most days and writing an "I see you God" list most nights. I was trying to do it mentally, but it doesn't work the same. I need to put pen to paper and write it out.

What's an I see you god list? It's a gratitude list. Gratitude lists always seemed so corny to me. But when my sponsor called it an I see you list it resonated with me. At night I think about my day and look for my HP in it. Things I could not do by myself, so it must be god. So for today it looks like this:

I see you god:

• in sticking to my food plan
• in paging Dr. L again even though he didn't return page Friday or Saturday (and not being angry about that)
• in calling my sponsor with no expectations
• in calling someone else in OA when my sponsor was unavailable
• in going to my meeting today and not even thinking that I might not want to go

There isn't anything huge and dramatic there, but any one of those things is impossible for me to manage on my own. Making the list makes me look at my life differently.

Mostly though, every time I make the list instead of blowing it off, I am following suggestions from my sponsor and practicing my program to the best of my ability. That's it. When I do what I'm told I should do everything is better. It's that simple.