I turn 36 in ten days. I’ve been thinking a lot about maturity lately. Shouldn’t I be acting like an adult by now? Isn’t 36 past time to start behaving “grown up”? From 36 it feels like a breath away from 40. I wouldn’t want to go back to my twenties, but I feel like I’m wrestling with some of the same demons I was struggling with at thirty.
I’ve gotten mixed responses from friends to these questions. A few said to let them know when I figure it out. Others said I was being too hard on myself and to look at all the progress I’ve made. I had a great lunch conversation with a friend today. Carolyn helped add to my perspective. Maybe my view of what adults do is too idealized.
I still struggle with the basics of independence, taking care of myself and my environment. So at the very least I expect a grown up to maintain their health by eating appropriately, exercising moderately, and getting enough sleep. I don’t do any of these things well, but I am making progress. I also have trouble getting out of bed to get to work on time, paying bills on time, taking the garbage out every week and doing the dishes before they are all used. I’ve been in my condo for a year and have not finished unpacking and haven’t hung a single picture. I bought a dishwasher from Sears this winter, but there was a plumbing issue which I have yet to resolve. I don’t know if they even still have my unit. The installation guy said to call when the issue was fixed. This is driving my friend Sasha bat-shit crazy. And of course my Christmas tree is still up and decorated.
Carolyn said she doesn’t always get her bills paid on time either (hope she doesn’t mind me sharing this). This surprised me because I consider her a very together person. She also said I have weird role models, or maybe it was wrong role models for me? (I also need to listen better, and talk less.) I need to think on this. There are some basics that I need to do, but maybe it isn’t as easy for others as it looks. I tend to assume others are doing everything better than I am.
One of my hopes is that this blog will help me sort through some of my issues. Another is that by venting some of my internal dialog here, when I am with friends I can settle down and listen better instead of trying to unload all my latest theories.
Post Edited 9/8/2005 - Name changed requested and lo, thy name shall henceforth be Sasha.