Chicken Butt

What hump?

It is not snowing today. It is certainly not snowing so hard I can't see across the street. Nor will five inches accumulate today. I know this because it is March and I've had enough snow this year. Period.

I have an ultrasound of my thyroid scheduled for tomorrow, Saturday at 1pm. I'm doing a decent job of focusing on other things. I haven't even told many people face to face. I'm trying to avoid my typical drama queen role. I'm scared, but there is nothing I can do. I won't know anything until sometime next week. Even then I could know nothing more except that they want to do more tests.

The new threat

At the risk of sound like an age-ist I feel compelled to point out a troubling trend. It could be strictly a local phenomenon, but I suspect it is wide-spread.

Over the last two weeks I've noticed a growing number of elderly drivers in SUVs. I'm talking late seventies and up. The same people who pull out in front of me and drive 15 mph under the speed limit. The same people who turn on their turn signal and start braking two blocks before their intended turn. The same little old ladies who can barely see above the steering wheel. Those bald, sun damaged old men with coke-bottle smudged glasses who never took a driving test because when they learned to drive it they didn't need a license. These drivers, timid, blind, overconfident and under trained are driving massive vehicles.

My theory is that their mammoth old Cadillacs, Buicks and Towncars are finally conking out. When they go out to buy a new vehicle they choose the ones that have been intimidating them for a decade.

I fear these newly empowered drivers. When my Grandfather totaled his trusty Volvo he didn't want to spend the money on a new Volvo. Instead he bought a new Ford Taurus, the one I now own. By this time my Grandfather was a pretty bad driver. Timid, nervous and irritated by the fast pace around him. It made me nervous to ride with him but he was not yet ready to let his Granddaughter drive him.

The first time I rode with him in the Taurus he almost killed me. I was sitting in the rear passenger seat. He was in the left turn lane at one of the busiest intersections in Carpentersville. He waited and waited and missed a few opportunities I would have taken. Suddenly he decided to go, he just stomped on the gas and shot into the intersection. Luckily the oncoming driver had fast reflexes or he would have plowed into me. My Grandfather didn't even notice, he said, "This car sure has a lot of pep!"

This is the memory that returns each time I see another Octogenarian behind the wheel of an SUV. All these horrid drivers discovering the "pep" of their new 8-cylinder monsters. They scare me even more than soccer moms in Expeditions.

Anti-sleeping pills and hope

Last night I finally picked up my new prescription for sleeping pills. I forget the name. It is the newest thing. I am an insomniac. I can't get to sleep unassisted in under an hour and I wake up a lot. The best sleep I've had for a long time was on the first pills Dr. L gave me, Ambien. But Ambien isn't for long term use and can be habit forming. So Dr. L gave me something else, but it makes me groggy in the morning and I've had a lot of trouble getting out of bed in the morning. Long story short, I didn't sleep a single minute last night on the new drug.

At first I was pleased with the pill, I was sleepy after taking it and was looking forward to a good nights sleep. But my mind refused to obey. Around 4am I started feeling really odd. Like my body was falling asleep, but my mind was still awake. It felt like my breathing was becoming shallower and then my fingers got tingle-y like they were falling asleep. I panicked a bit. This is a really new drug. I went to get the pharmacy warnings. It was pretty vague but did say that it could cause hallucinations. It also said not to take the medicine if you have sleep apnea. I don't think I do because I've been told I don't snore, but we never did the sleep study Dr. L wanted to do when I first went to him.

I tried to sleep again but couldn't stop thinking. I was worried I'd go to sleep and never wake up. That pissed me off. I have worked so hard this year to get my shit together. That pill may not work for me as a sleep aid, but it made me realize that I truly do not want to die. I realize that for most people this isn't a news flash, but for me it is quite something.

I've been clinically depressed since sixth grade. I went through several major depressions in high school and college where I was seriously suicidal. I was never treated for this. I can't remember if I even told people. I did sort of once in high school, it freaked my parents out and I had an emergency session with my therapist. This was pre-Prozac and she wasn't a psychiatrist so nothing was done.

Anyway, one of the most depressing days of my life was the day I realized that I could never commit suicide. I cared too much for my family and friends. I valued the lives of the people I loved more than I valued myself, so there was no way out for me. This was truly depressing. Since that revelation in 1993, I have existed, trudging through the days but not really caring if I didn't wake up in the morning. I've been unconsciously trying to kill myself passively with food. At some point this year my feelings about life changed, I just didn't notice.

So today, although I am groggy with lack of sleep, is a very good day. I do not want to die. I have things I want to do and see. I have hope, not just for others, but for myself.

Worst case scenario

Living in Illinois, I have no fear of huricanes, earthquakes, floods, mudslides or most other disaster scenarios. Tornados hit, but usually not in my town. I didn't make any emergency preparations for Y2K. I read articles about emergency kits, but I have trouble envisioning needing most of the items. I tried to think of scenarios where I'd need a stockpile of food, water, medical supplies. It seems overkill for where I live.

You know what has me freaked? Avian flu. It doesn't help that this information on the CDC website was last updated in August. I've only just found this flu wiki and need to read more, but it is disturbing:

"Once the virus spreads easily from human to human and becomes a pandemic (many disease experts say when, not if), we will be confronting a worldwide public health emergency with hundreds of millions of people infected."

"In the case of a pandemic, as many as 30% of your neighbors and co-workers may become ill (yes, that many), so you need to plan accordingly. If you’re used to having low inventories of perishable goods or daily deliveries at your home, you may need to adjust your routine (the delivery service may become unavailable for example)."

Maybe I'm freaking out a little because of Doomsday, an excellent book by Connie Willis set partly at the beginning of the Black Plague in the 14th century. Anyway, I plan to read as much as I can on this potential pandemic. My family would say I'm overreacting, but I think it's clear we can't rely on the government protect us or even know what to do.

I'm not saying I'm going to start stockpiling, but I think it's important to know as much as I can about this potential threat and what to do if it comes to pass.

 

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

I’m watching the season premiere of West Wing while I write this. The intro was kind of tricky, it came really close to revealing the next president’s identity, then didn’t. Drat. I just got back from my Sunday OA meeting. It was good. I was so happy to see everyone. I haven’t eaten sweets since Monday. On my seventh day of avoiding sugar (yes, including ketchup, must go to Whole Foods to get some without sugar in it) I’m obsessing about Diet Coke and anything with white flour. I’m not sure which one to give up next. I have to keep going with this, but right now the thought of giving up either one makes me feel grumpy.

Someone told me after the meeting that they could see a difference in me when I walked in the room. She called it the OA glow. I think I’m starting to understand what that means. I’ve learned so much about myself since I walked into my first meeting in February. For the last few months I was a bit perturbed at all the things I was expected to “give up” to recover from compulsive overeating.

It was obvious that I would have to change a lot about my relationship to food, but when I learned that I would need to change my relationship with myself and how I relate to others it just too much. Yes, I’ll give up sugar, I thought, but what does gossiping have to do with it? I have a fairly dark sense of humor. Sarcasm is one of my favorite forms of expression. Will I have to change my whole self to recover from this disease? To put it mildly, I was pissed. I was settled nice and comfy on my own little pity potty.

Yesterday while getting my haircut, I made a remark. It was meant to be humorous, but the second it left my mouth I knew it wasn’t funny. It was mean spirited and petty. I felt diminished. Tonight heard several phrases that made me giggle inside. One was “pity potty,” another was “mental masturbation.” When someone said they had “medical problems up the wazoo” I thought, “ooh, no one wants problems up there.”

Driving home I realized that my sense of humor doesn’t need to change. As I work to become the best me I’m capable of being, I’m subtracting negative factors in my life. If I remove the negative, my humor is still intact. I’ll continue to laugh at dirty jokes, bad puns and the ironic; I just won’t use humor as a weapon anymore. Even against myself.

You can even eat the dishes

I am a sugar addict. It’s not just sugar, I can binge on anything, but sugar is the big one.  Over the past few weeks I’ve been slowly accepting that I need to find a way to live without sugar. It is impacting my depression and the effectiveness of my meds to control depression. I’ve been binging. My pants are getting a little tighter. I’m avoiding people because I binge in secret. I’m cycling back into a bad depression that I can’t afford to be in. I’ve already taken the maximum short-term leave from work. I was out for 12 weeks this spring to work on this issue. The meds were really starting to work.

My life coach thinks I’m drinking way too much diet soda. She had no idea how much I was drinking. There is now significant evidence that aspartame can cause depression all on its own. I typically drink a 20 ounce bottle in the morning when I get to work, then at least two large glasses at lunch. Sometimes I drink another bottle in the afternoon. Sometimes I start out my day with a 42 ounce Diet Coke from McDonalds because they have the best Diet Coke around. I know aspartame is poison. I once gave up Diet Coke because my mom asked me too. But then I slowly added it back into my diet. When I gave up sugar this spring I held on to the Diet Coke as a crutch. I said I would give it up once I was more capable of maintaining the no-sugar part. Now I believe I need to give them both up.

As an addict this is really scary. I need it. I crave it. I think about when I’m going to get some. I love sugar and I obsess about it to the exclusion of everything else. I’ve sacrificed my health for it. So, to get well I need to give up sugar (and diet soda). But from past experience I know that it takes me two weeks to get through sugar withdrawal. I know I will feel like I have the flu. I’ll be tired, cranky, headachy, and sleepy. I will have excess mucus, I will break out and I will be even more depressed than usual. I will also be vulnerable emotionally. I’ve been eating my feeling since I was a kid and have not developed normal emotional tools as a result. Is it any wonder I keep putting it off?

Then there are decisions about cold-turkey versus gradual. Both have good and bad elements. Historically I’ve done better cold-turkey, but the symptoms are more drastic. I can’t afford any sick days right now, I’m already in the red. I looked for info on easing symptoms of sugar withdrawal via Google, but mostly find general comments on sugar withdrawal, and lists of its symptoms, but no good input about easing it. Maybe there is no real way. Just need to get through it. Some sites even say to use “natural sugar” or syrup. Those people are clueless and dangerous.

So, for today, I will not eat sweets. I’m not going to worry about white bread or simple starches today. I will not eat sweets or anything that has sugar in the first five ingredients. I’ve already had Diet Coke today. I’ll probably drink it tomorrow too. I also know from past experience that the first couple days are easier than the third and fourth days. At that point the crazy thinking kicks in. I try to justify, rationalize or trick myself into eating sugar.

Instead I will write, I will call people from OA, I will drink more water than I usually do, but I will not eat sugar today. It starts now. I will never be ready to quit, there will never be enough sugar to satisfy me, and so I just have do it. Arrrr!

What's a grown-up?

I turn 36 in ten days. I’ve been thinking a lot about maturity lately. Shouldn’t I be acting like an adult by now? Isn’t 36 past time to start behaving “grown up”? From 36 it feels like a breath away from 40. I wouldn’t want to go back to my twenties, but I feel like I’m wrestling with some of the same demons I was struggling with at thirty.

I’ve gotten mixed responses from friends to these questions. A few said to let them know when I figure it out. Others said I was being too hard on myself and to look at all the progress I’ve made. I had a great lunch conversation with a friend today. Carolyn helped add to my perspective. Maybe my view of what adults do is too idealized.

I still struggle with the basics of independence, taking care of myself and my environment. So at the very least I expect a grown up to maintain their health by eating appropriately, exercising moderately, and getting enough sleep. I don’t do any of these things well, but I am making progress. I also have trouble getting out of bed to get to work on time, paying bills on time, taking the garbage out every week and doing the dishes before they are all used. I’ve been in my condo for a year and have not finished unpacking and haven’t hung a single picture. I bought a dishwasher from Sears this winter, but there was a plumbing issue which I have yet to resolve. I don’t know if they even still have my unit. The installation guy said to call when the issue was fixed. This is driving my friend Sasha bat-shit crazy. And of course my Christmas tree is still up and decorated.

Carolyn said she doesn’t always get her bills paid on time either (hope she doesn’t mind me sharing this). This surprised me because I consider her a very together person. She also said I have weird role models, or maybe it was wrong role models for me? (I also need to listen better, and talk less.) I need to think on this. There are some basics that I need to do, but maybe it isn’t as easy for others as it looks. I tend to assume others are doing everything better than I am.

One of my hopes is that this blog will help me sort through some of my issues. Another is that by venting some of my internal dialog here, when I am with friends I can settle down and listen better instead of trying to unload all my latest theories.

Post Edited 9/8/2005 - Name changed requested and lo, thy name shall henceforth be Sasha.