A few weeks ago there was an accident in my condo that flooded my downstairs neighbor and both of our garages. This sucked big dick. My emotional, irrational response to this flood has been instructive and humiliating. I've been leading with my ego at every turn and acting like an ass. I think most people would say I'm a bitch, but I seem to shy away from this. I'm comfortable with labeling my behavior as bitchy, but hesitate to call myself a bitch. (Interesting, I don't show the same reserve in labeling others.)
While talking this over with a friend I realized that while I see myself as a kind person, the reality is not flattering. How many awful, selfish people are walking around thinking they are nice? Apparently, I'm only nice when it doesn't cost me anything or put me at risk. My gut reaction to any threat to my ego/security is angry tantrums, name calling and yelling. Very loud yelling into the telephone; which I then called back to apologize for, but that just led to more argument. Which begat an apology letter that was difficult to compose. I am sorry I yelled, and the apology was required, but in my head everything came out, "I'm sorry, but you..." If I hadn't self-edited that out of every line I could have been trapped in an escalating spiral of abuse.
So yeah, it is humiliating. I've made progress towards adulthood, but not nearly so much as I thought before my sink overflowed. Who the fuck puts a wet bar in a closet?