Chicken Butt

It's a two-fer day!

I hung my Christmas stocking sis made for me today. She used some pieces of mom's favorite sweaters that she wore all the time. I made the MoM pin on the pocket in sixth grade. It is layers of construction paper glued together, sanded, and laminated. I always focused on the fact that I meant to write Mom and accidentally wrote MoM. Later when I mentioned this, other people assumed I'd meant to do it and that it looks good this way. It is slightly painful to me still. When I can look at the pin and not see my mistake I think I'll be a healthier person than I am now.

(Click to enbiggen pics)

I love this stocking. My sister does not consider herself artistic or crafty. I love that she made it anyways. The shape is a bit lumpy and we mock it sometimes, but I love that sis made it for me and I think of mom and sis whenever I see it (unless I'm too self-involved, then I see the glaring MoM first). Tomorrow would have been mom's sixty-eighth birthday. Christmas cheer is much harder without mom.

Do what I say, not...ah you know

I want my friends who blog to post new stuff everyday to entertain me. Which is hardly fair considering my own sporadic posting. Speaking of which, Monica has started a blog! Hooray! I cannot wait to see Monido this populated with crafty goodness. I hope she posts some of her past projects too. I've heard much about various projects, but haven't seen pictures of the results.

I've started several posts, but not published them. Mood, motivation, accurate judging of writing quality; take your pick of reasoning.

Here is some of what is going on with me:

1. Sis does not want me to post pics of her kids on Facebook. She will allow me to post a few pics of Halloween costumes here. This is on my big list of things to do.
2. I hardly ever go to parties. They stress me out. Especially if I've gained weight and don't feel at home in my own skin nor in my wardrobe. I have two parties to attend Saturday. The annual glug party I love and a friend's 50th birthday party. Though I look forward to the glug, parties with small talk and mostly people I hardly know exhaust me. I am trying to get into the proper spirit here. I think a pretty, flattering top would help.
3. I hung a wreath on my condo door and my stocking over the fireplace. Want to put up a few more things, but so far have not taken action on this.
4. Used a bunch of credit card points to buy B&N e-gift cards. Tired of saving the points for something practical, I blew the whole wad buying DVDs to replace some VHS movies in my collection. It's been really exciting to get packages at work this week. Shocking that some movies are not available on DVD. Either they are not released yet or have never been available. Or maybe just not on B&N. Compared to Amazon their website is painful to use and their prices suck. But who cares because now I have many shiney "free" DVDs.
5. I'm taking 2 weeks off. Five working days remain before vacation. Nope, no plans. Heaven.

Please forgive me if I've written about any of these things before. I've lost track between unplublished posts, twitter and Facebook.

If you know you're crazy are you still crazy?

I’m spending too much time in my own head lately. I should make an effort to talk with friends, but I’m out of the habit. Most of the time I’m perfectly content to entertain myself. I’m not lonely, but it isn’t healthy for my brain to spend too long in infinite loops with no external feedback.

Thankfully when I do reach out I’ve got friends willing to smack me upside the head with virtual sledge hammers to knock the crazy loose. In other words, I’ve started a potentially obsessive crush and am trying to nip it in the bud. This means, I’ve deleted many words from this post to prevent future embarrassment.

Full stop.

Oops! No title

Plenty of randomish thoughts, but no motivation to explore them. Rather than creating another post that will languish on my hard drive I'll post it anyways:

• Go Karen! 30,020 words completed with seven days to go. Karen is posed to win the NaNoWriMo challenge again this year. My hero. If you are stuck for a character take a look at this print: Characters for an Epic Tale
• I croqueted a hat over the weekend. I used some pink fuzzy yarn I bought years ago and cannot remember what I intended to make. It might have been a hat, so bad I only had two small skeins. It is a pointed stocking hat that I made up as I went along. If I had had more yarn I would have done single croquet stitch throughout, but instead did double until the brim. Tried to make a pompom for the end, but it was a fuzzy disaster that would leave a trail of fibers wherever I traveled.  It doesn’t match a thing, but I really like it.
• On Saturday I intended to sand the top for what will someday become my kitchen table. It’s been in my garage for about two years now. I started to tidy up the garage first and didn’t get to the table at all. I decided I probably could get my Christmas tree down from the shelves by myself and went for it. Not only did I not drop the box or injure myself, but it fit into the boot of my MINI with the passenger seat down. I took my tree, a batch of VHS tapes, a few DVDs and a stool to Goodwill. Weee! I have extra space in my garage now. Now I have room to move some more temperature impervious stuff out of my living space. I have a pile of Halloween costume pieces by the front door.
• When I pulled the random bits of Halloween stuff together from around my condo I noticed with a bit of shock how many pairs of funny eyelashes I’ve collected. I have nine pairs now. None are exactly alike, but really, I think I’m set for now.

Hm, there is more but I've pooped out.

Hey, I'm published

Go to The Morning News to read the story of my first horror movie. TMN's Of Recent Note feature is a collection of ~150 word stories from TMN writers and reader submissions on various topics. I usually start to write something for it, but this is the first time I've sent one. I'm pretty sure they use every submision. Also, I'm so used to posting comments as Dodi I didn't put my real name on it. I'm the only one using a nickname.

My story is third from the bottom. They embedded video clips for each story, which is pretty cool. The article was posted on October 29, but I just saw it today because I've been sick. Is it swine flu? I don't know. I think it is just broncitis. I didn't go to the doctor though. I never caught my fever higher than 99.7 and I've mostly had a killer headache, dry cough and low grade fever. My nephews, who do have swine flu are snotty, wet-coughing, feverish messes.

In case I didn't state for certain before. I am not doing NaNoWriMo 2009. Nor am I doing any other structured activity this month. I do intend to keep using my craft room regularly though. I have to take my sewing machine in for repair. The reverse function is broken. I hope the Creative Sewing Center doesn't drive me crazy with rotten service this time.

I haven't asked my sis for permission to post pics of her kids yet. So no Halloween pics yet.

Too many light mysteries?

“If this was fiction, someone would be dead tomorrow.” That was my thought as I walked home in the rain last night. I had to park on the street (not my garage or court) because they are sealing blacktop today. I heard an argument through a neighbor’s open windows. A man and a woman yelled abuse at each other. The drapes were open so I could see him standing and yelling at a woman across the room.

I’m surprised they still live there. Condo association gossip said they were being evicted by their bank in July. He was kicked off the condo board last year because he wasn’t paying the monthly fees. The guy is a prick and made a huge fuss in June about broken rules and parking sign verbiage.  The sign was changed. I keep meaning to post a picture of it. It is a solid reminder of why I stifle the occasional urge to get involved in the association.

I have to park on the street again tonight. Will I see him bundling a suspiciously heavy carpet into his trunk?

Stop drop and roll

Fear de-motivates me. My fight or flight default response is flight. My mind flees reality and I go to ground. What is that frozen state of prey called? The inability to act in paralyzed hope that if you don’t move the predator won’t see you.

Yesterday I had trouble getting to work again. When I arrived late I found that several coworkers in an adjacent group were laid off. I vowed to never be late again. My actions of course fell short. I got here at 8:45 this morning. This is not horrible, but my self-declared (and heavily recommended) arrival time is 8:30. I found out about 15 more layoffs in another group today.

Both groups to lay people off are former organizations of mine. I left one group when the tech developers were restructured into tech-only orgs separate from content. A couple years ago I transferred with a promotion into my current group.

While fear debilitates one part of my head and another part still does not believe it could happen to me. Sure I’ve been here 12 years, but so have some of the people let go this week. Good news is that my group’s pipeline appears much fuller than the other groups and we’ve already cut onshore resources close to the bone.

I should immerse myself in the detailed work I have on my plate now. I have time to concentrate on it and no one in need of supervision for about a week. (Having a meaty task I can sink my teeth into without keeping a dozen other tasks flowing through India and Argentina is a luxury.) Instead I’m wandering around the building and the internet aimlessly. How do I learn discipline?
I think the only way to learn discipline is to take disciplined action consistently. My immobility in the face of stress makes this a catch-22 loop of inaction. So far my actions have been:

• spurts of productivity on my task
• wandering, in cyber and meat space
• writing this post
• whispered conversations as names of those sacrificed become known
• worrying

Average lifespan of Canada Geese: 24 years

It is time for me to start eating like a grown up. This includes cooking, not reheating frozen servings of my favorite carbs, but actual combining of ingredients into more than the some of their parts. I want food synergy. Of course, to cook I need clean vessels and counter space. Which are both in short supply in my home. Also, a clear kitchen table and at least one chair would be nice.

I realized yesterday that I had moved all my kitchen chairs into my dining room months ago in a frenzy of activity that left me a pile of stuff to remove from my home and a sad absence of usable space when I pooped out before finishing my task. So my urge to throw together a soup from the contents of my cupboard went nowhere when I cataloged all the tasks required before I opened the first tin. I want a clean cozy kitchen. I just don’t want to expend effort to get it. Sigh. I guess my desire to cook like a grownup must be proceeded by the discipline to maintain my possessions like an adult.

I’m also insecure about cooking. I love to read cookbooks but I usually don’t see the general knowledge that I am looking for. I love my America’s Test Kitchen Family Cookbook, but with all their cool tricks and interesting facts I could not find any information about cooking rice to freeze for later. Maybe there is no trick to it, but I think rice would get mushy if cooked as usually and then frozen in smaller portions for later. I love brown rice, but don’t see me waiting for it to cook after getting home from work late. I love my frozen Trader Joe’s rice, but I eat the whole 2 cups as a main course rather than eat a serving and waste the rest.

There is also no information on cooking a turkey breast in any of my cookbooks. I don’t need to know how to clean, prep and cook a whole bird. I want to know how to get fresh cooked, moist, white meat turkey with zero gizzard contact and minimal carcass. When I ask my sister how to do it she shrugs and says, “You just put it in the oven.” She also just makes up recipes as she goes along. Almost my entire food prep experience is of the mix, heat and serve variety. I think I could count on my fingers the times I made meals from scratch that didn’t include a can of soup or dried mix. I guess I’ve cooked a lot on a grill, but mostly just meat and veggies. I’m too insecure to grill for other people. There are too many over- or under-cooked meals to subject anyone else to my grilling.

I know I have to learn by doing. I’ve seen people work their way through cookbooks online and find it fascinating. I want to learn how to really cook, but I also know that I am undisciplined and need to focus on eating balanced low-fat meals. Plus no sugar, but not sugar substitutes or look-alike foods.

Did I also mention I really want to draw, again? Yep, so far all I’ve done is shop for more supplies. What I really need is the perfect (pen, paintbrush, pencil, pastel, notebook, canvas, paper, journal, or inspirational guide) to make it all come together. It doesn’t matter that in my head my drawings look like nothing I’ve ever done. It doesn’t matter that I’ve got an abundance of supplies already.

Bah. I’m just depressing myself. I don’t want this to turn into yet another post I’ve written and then erased or let languish on a hard-drive. Forgive my pretentious turns of phrase. I got a compliment on my writing today and it went right to my self-conscience head. So, I haven't edited this, please forgive.

New Toy: Kindle 2

I received my Kindle 2 last Thursday. I don’t love it yet. It’s a neat gadget and I think I will grow to like it a lot, but it is a big adjustment.

The text is clear. The default text size is working best. I’d like to go one smaller to reduce number of page turns, but I think I need a stronger prescription for my contacts, or I maybe it’s time for reading glasses.

I feel like I’m hurtling through the text and not taking it all in. I keep clicking the Next Page button too early. I miss the last couple lines and have to go back. I’m too aware of the medium to lose myself in the story. I’m reading an author I’ve never read before, so it could be the writing, but I think it is the Kindle. On Saturday I read for a while and got into the story. I think I just need to train myself that the ebook reader page turn cue comes later than the manual book page turn. It might take a while to override 30+ years of habit.

I decided I want to keep my K2 in a protective pouch along with a stand. There aren’t a lot of commercial options out there for the K2. I like the cases that open like a reporter notebook and can be used like an easel, but they are open on all but one side. Considering the flotsam in my purse I want more protection for this over-priced gadget. Some book shaped covers are enclosed with zippers, but the point is to get away from traditional book format. The best thing about reading with the K2 is eating in public without propping a book up at a good angle and having to hold the pages open. I use my planner to prop the book up and if I can, I wedge the edge of the book under the plate rim. This technique only works well in the middle pages of a book unless I wreck the spine.

I sewed a simple envelope of vinyl on Sunday. Velcro holds the flap closed. It will do for now, but I think more padding would be better. I looked on Etsy for a case, there are two sellers claiming to be the ORIGINAL. Their description text is almost identical except that one uses foam and the other quilted fleece. Their bitter sniping about each other’s products turned me off of both sellers.

Stands are more difficult. I’ve found two easels that are stable, but both are too wide and deep to be ideal. I spent some time in Home Depot yesterday looking for inspiration. I bought some acrylic sheets, some strap hinges and assorted epoxies and glues. I have a design in mind, but implementation might end up being less condensed than the plate stand I’m using in the interim. If only I had a 3D fabricator.

Funerals

Tomorrow I will attend my third funeral in six weeks. All for parents of friends and tomorrow it is a family friend I’ve known all my life. Jim Krempel was only 66. His wife was my Mom’s best friend. They have four children and two grandchildren (one more expected in April.) I hate this.

My mom was 60 years old when she died of breast cancer. She was one year older than Jim. Jim went out to get the mail a few weeks ago and fell, hitting his head. Even though he was in and out of ICU, no one expected him to die. I feel so sad and awful for his kids. I know how impossible life is for them right now.

My dad continues to ignore his health. He definitely has high blood pressure and probably has diabetes. He refuses to go to the doctor and insists he will manage his health through diet and exercise. He gets angry whenever sis or I talk to him about his health. He is an adult and there is nothing we can do about his choices. Even if we could somehow force him to get a physical, we could not force him to follow a doctor’s advice. Did my mom feel this helpless and worried as she watched my weight grow year after year?

A neighbor two doors down from my parent’s house (and next door to my sis) is also in ICU. She fell down her basement steps and cracked her skull. She did this the same week Jim fell. When I heard the bad news in sis’s voice on Monday I assumed she would tell me that Dorthea had died. I don’t know how she is doing. Last I heard she had not regained consciousness since the fall. Will I go to another service next week?