I’m watching the season premiere of West Wing while I write this. The intro was kind of tricky, it came really close to revealing the next president’s identity, then didn’t. Drat. I just got back from my Sunday OA meeting. It was good. I was so happy to see everyone. I haven’t eaten sweets since Monday. On my seventh day of avoiding sugar (yes, including ketchup, must go to Whole Foods to get some without sugar in it) I’m obsessing about Diet Coke and anything with white flour. I’m not sure which one to give up next. I have to keep going with this, but right now the thought of giving up either one makes me feel grumpy.
Someone told me after the meeting that they could see a difference in me when I walked in the room. She called it the OA glow. I think I’m starting to understand what that means. I’ve learned so much about myself since I walked into my first meeting in February. For the last few months I was a bit perturbed at all the things I was expected to “give up” to recover from compulsive overeating.
It was obvious that I would have to change a lot about my relationship to food, but when I learned that I would need to change my relationship with myself and how I relate to others it just too much. Yes, I’ll give up sugar, I thought, but what does gossiping have to do with it? I have a fairly dark sense of humor. Sarcasm is one of my favorite forms of expression. Will I have to change my whole self to recover from this disease? To put it mildly, I was pissed. I was settled nice and comfy on my own little pity potty.
Yesterday while getting my haircut, I made a remark. It was meant to be humorous, but the second it left my mouth I knew it wasn’t funny. It was mean spirited and petty. I felt diminished. Tonight heard several phrases that made me giggle inside. One was “pity potty,” another was “mental masturbation.” When someone said they had “medical problems up the wazoo” I thought, “ooh, no one wants problems up there.”
Driving home I realized that my sense of humor doesn’t need to change. As I work to become the best me I’m capable of being, I’m subtracting negative factors in my life. If I remove the negative, my humor is still intact. I’ll continue to laugh at dirty jokes, bad puns and the ironic; I just won’t use humor as a weapon anymore. Even against myself.